Episode 92: Boundaries + Body Talk SOLO EPISODE
Episode 92: Boundaries + Body Talk SOLO EPISODE
In this episode we sit down with....your host, Katelyn Parsons.
Katelyn Parsons is a Certified Intuitive Eating + Body Image Coach, Speaker, and host of the weekly podcast, Body Truth.
After years of struggling with bulimia and disordered eating, she not only found recovery but recognized a crucial missing link in the wellness industry- empowerment + individual sustainability around health. This inspired her entrepreneurial journey and life mission to shift the conversation toward healing our relationship with food and body.
For the past 4 years, Katelyn has helped countless creative leaders transform their relationship with food and body image through an integrative, evidence-based process so that they can move through each day feeling more present, empowered, and comfortable in their skin, without worrying about what to eat.
You’ll also find Katelyn snuggled up with her cat or strolling the beach in sunny San Diego with her husband and their pup Winnie.
In this conversation we talk about:
the importance of boundaries internally and externally
the different types of boundaries and practical ways to create them
how to navigate the diet culture that we are living in
Connect with me...
IG: @katelyn.parsons
Website: katelynparsons.com
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TRANSCRIPTION
Episode 92: Boundaries + Body Talk SOLO EPISODE
Katelyn:
Hello, welcome back to Body Truth, it is just you and me together today, solo episode, we are talking all about boundaries, and body talk.
Two very important topics that can often feel uncomfortable. And that's why we're talking about them today.
I want to give a disclaimer right at the top of this episode, that this is complex. And there is a lot to say, when it comes to boundaries, there's a lot of layers here, there's a lot of ways to approach boundary settings, there's a lot of emotions that come up when we talk about boundary setting. So let's take a collective deep breath together. Cool, that is a tool that is available for you, anytime a big diaphragmatic deep breath, it grounds you, it centers you, it brings you back to the present moment, releases stress, and especially when you are setting boundaries, it is your secret weapon. So know that it is available for you in your back pocket at all times. We cannot possibly cover every single boundary topic or tool in this episode.
So I wanted to just open up this conversation, knowing that we will revisit it in a future episode and continue to build on it. But I wanted to present some of the most, what I think to be some of the most relevant ways to get started with setting boundaries in your own life so that you can feel more comfortable. In situations, especially as we're moving into the holidays, this is not exclusive to the holidays, though boundary setting is a part of life that occurs in all areas of life and all stages of life.
And so it's a really important skill to learn. And it's a skill. So it takes time to build it, it takes patience. And it also is not a one size fits all. Boundary setting is complicated, because it often means dealing with other people.
And of course, everybody's relationships are going to look different. And so boundaries that you set are going to look different for who you're setting them with, whether it's your friends, your family, your co workers, yourself, just like your internal boundaries, which we'll talk about today. But just knowing that has really helped me let go of the perfectionism with setting boundaries and give myself some grace in practicing and honing and finessing this skill. Because it's a constant learning process.
As we are evolving as our relationships are evolving, the boundaries are going to evolve as well too. And so knowing that can be really, really powerful when we start to explore the concept of boundary setting. So we're talking about setting boundaries and boundaries around Body Talk, as I just said Body Talk at the beginning of the episode, I really mean yes, as it relates to our bodies, but that can be multi-layered as well too.
So this goes into our relationship with food. What we're wearing, the appearance of ourselves, of our bodies, and this relates to other people as well too. And it's really important to do this because when we set boundaries for ourselves, it gives other people the opportunity to create safe, inclusive spaces, and it allows relationships to thrive as well, too.
So let's, let's talk about what some of these boundaries might be in your life.
The first one that I want to bring up is okay, wait a minute, reverse backup backup backup. Before we even talk about how to set boundaries or what these boundaries are. I want to highlight how Important self-awareness is and intention.
So the best way that you can get started with setting boundaries is to just observe where a boundary needs to be set. Without taking action, truly just getting curious about where you might need to set a boundary. And you'll often experience a feeling of resentment or discomfort in some way like that is your internal signal that a boundary is being crossed, in some way, right.
So just just getting clear, sometimes this is related to shoulds, or comparison, all of these things are really good indicators that a boundary is being violated or needs to be set. So just check-in and get really curious about where you are feeling that internal resentment, where you are comparing, or where you are feeling just a little off in terms of the situations that you're putting yourself in.
With content, you're consuming people that you're talking to work that you're doing, it really shows up in so many areas of our life. And so that is such a great foundational tool to start with by just checking in and noticing what your body is telling you that feeling the emotion always shows up in your body. And so just acknowledging where you are getting that indicates that a boundary is needed because that is when we talk about building blocks, that is the foundation for all of this. So awareness is key.
So let's go through some of the types of boundaries and how to begin setting them as you're moving through your life but especially this holiday season.
First, I want to talk about internal boundaries. This is really important because it is so powerful when we can really acknowledge what is ours versus what is somebody else's. So the two most common boundary violations that we can see with this is number one, mind reading. Or however, you would like to label it. But assuming that people are judging you, or looking at you in a certain way, when in reality, it's your own insecurity that is coming up.
So I will give a very neutral example for this, this might show up as something like picking out a sweater. And assuming that your cousin is giving you a look like the stink eye, or just some type of distasteful look because they don't like the sweater that you chose. When in reality, you actually didn't feel that confident in the sweater to begin with.
So it's your own insecurity that is coming up and is getting tangled up with other people's reactions. And these can be verbal and nonverbal cues. So when it's our own insecurity coming up, we can very easily misinterpret what people are saying and how we're perceiving how people are treating us. So that's really important to acknowledge what is yours, what is actually your own insecurity that you are projecting onto someone else.
We also see that the second internal boundary violation that I want to talk about in this episode is other people's projections show kind of going back to this silly sweater example. This could be your cousin actually saying that they don't like your sweater. Or something along those lines, when in reality, they're feeling insecure about something in their own life.
Maybe it's their sweater that they wore that day, right or something else that has nothing to do with this sweater. It's probably the second rather than the actual sweater. But one of the most powerful and simple reminders that we can keep on hand is that other people's comments are almost always a reflection of themselves, and not actually about us. And this personally has been such a game-changing tool in my boundary toolkit because it helps me really not get carried away with stories. It's calmed my anxiety, it's brought me back to the moment. And has really eased a lot of just concern that comes up in relationships and social situations for anything we're talking about.
Body image today, specifically, and food and body talk. But this really can be attributed to anything really just acknowledging what is mine, and what is somebody else's, and really paying attention to people's projections in their own internal projections through what they're saying to me. And vice versa, my own insecurities coming up and misinterpreting what I am hearing people say or how they are reacting.
So just acknowledging that, what is yours, what is someone else's, so this is an internal boundary, because it's really you just checking in with that reaction that you're getting, you don't, you're not actually saying anything, or taking action at this point, other than just coming back to, okay, this is mine owning it, this is theirs, owning that, that you can like separate yourself from that and moving forward, right.
So when it comes to external boundaries, this is taking action. So this is empowering ourselves to change the situation, acknowledging that a boundary is being crossed or possibly needs to be set and doing something about it. So depending on the event that you're in, or the people that you're with, this will ebb and flow with how you choose to take action, your level of comfort, just your relationships, in general, boundary setting is going to look a little bit different for all of these things.
But there are some things that you can do in the moment to really empower yourself. So you can choose to leave the room, if a conversation comes up that you are not comfortable with. Whether it's in the purposes of this conversation, it's this episode, rather, if it's something around food or body diet, talk weight talk, whether it's about their body, your body, someone else's body, who's not even there, you know, even if it's a celebrity or something, if you're not if you're just feeling that internal cue of discomfort, please take care of yourself, you can leave the room in that situation, you can also change the conversation, that's another boundary tip, you can absolutely change the conversation in that moment to something that is more neutral, or that just doesn't have anything to do with diet culture, or, you know, diet culture, a wide umbrella around that food, body, all that stuff.
You can decide not to participate or engage in the conversation. And this is a proactive boundary. That kind of goes beyond just the reaction, and how you're reacting in that moment, you can decide preemptively that you will not be bringing up food or Body Talk in the event.
And really just setting that intention for yourself. Before you go into the event, whether it's a larger gathering, smaller, more intimate, or one on one with somebody, you just really commit yourself that you're not going to start the conversation. And that if it gets brought up by way of somebody else, you have some action items in place, you can leave, you can change the conversation.
One other tip that you can possibly consider is setting the boundary before even going into the event. And again, this will look different for different situations. But let's just say that it is your mom that you want to set a boundary with. This could look like actually having a conversation with your mom, before the event takes place and saying, Hey, I just want to be really honest, and let you know that conversations around food and body can make me feel uncomfortable. And I would love to request that we just don't engage in that type of talk. And I want to be really clear about that so that you know where I'm coming from and To also just partner with you in this, you know, however you want to do this, this will look different.
But having that preemptive conversation, that proactive conversation rather, can be really, really powerful. Now I know that so many of you are going to hear that and think, oh my god, it's going to open up an entire can of worms, my mom or whoever this person is that I'm having this conversation with is going to immediately be concerned and want to talk more about it. And then they're going to be worried about me and all of these things. And like I said, this will look different. It doesn't have to be that intense, though, right? All you have to do. And really, this is how you're showing up in the conversation as well, too.
So if you can take a moment to just ground it, get confident and really know that you are doing this for yourself. And it's sort of just your own personal self-care, that's going to feel more neutral in the conversation as well to you're not inviting in that, that worry, and that that interest and fear for the other person if you're showing up clearer and more confident, as well to that being said, when you set a boundary, you will need to reinforce the boundary. That's a part of boundary setting.
So if you are at a place where you do want to have more of these proactive conversations, like the one I just mentioned, actually saying, I want to have an agreement that we don't talk about the body on body image, or food or diets or whatever you're setting the boundary around. And let the person know that if this does come up, I am going to leave the room or I am going to change the conversation, like really letting them know what the plan is. And so when that happens, because it will happen, because you're essentially asking the other person to change a habit, which takes time, anytime. Anytime you've said I've had that I'm sure you've probably had to really work to be mindful of it. And so just keeping that in mind when you're asking if somebody else can be really helpful and supportive as well to it's really understanding that the other person is human. And in the complexities of a relationship, it will go many different ways, but just acknowledging their humaneness, and also that reinforcing the boundary is not slapping them on them on the wrist or a control tactic.
It really comes out of this place of taking care of yourself and helping them understand and supporting them in maintaining the boundary out of your personal self care out of just support for the relationship in general, creating safe spaces to just build meaningful relationships that don't have anything to do with food or body talk.
This is so valuable when we get into boundary setting with food and our bodies. Because it has the possibility of I know this sounds really, really just grandiose, but it does have the opportunity to impact generations, when we can start to really change the conversation in the spaces that we are showing up. Specifically, our families, our close friends or communities, we set the tone of how that's going to be passed down to the generations below us because they are listening when we're engaging in that talk when we're engaging in these conversations around food and body image. I promise you, they're listening.
Think about it for yourself. You know this, you know that you were listening when you were growing up to how bodies were being talked about from people in your life? Caretakers, coaches, teachers, you know, friends of your family. This is systemic, it is generational, and it does have, we do have an opportunity to change it. So I want to just acknowledge that in this conversation, because that can be a really powerful catalyst for a why around why this is so important. So whoever might need to hear that right now.
I just want to acknowledge that I know for me that was something that was really, really important in coming back to my why around boundary setting when it got uncomfortable, because it does, and it continues to be boundary setting, it's gotten easier. But yeah, like, it's uncomfortable.
Sometimes it's challenging, having tough conversations. But keep in mind, as you have learned from this episode, setting a boundary doesn't mean just going right to confrontation. So if that is your internal fear of Oh, my God, like, I don't know, if I, I don't know what I would say, I don't know how the person react, I hate confrontation to begin with. Yes, that is a part of boundary setting. But it is not the only way to set a boundary. So just kind of wrapping up.
We've already acknowledged creating self-awareness, where did these boundaries need to be set? Where are you feeling that internal cue that resentment, that comparison, that just feeling off around something that's self-awareness, the internal boundaries, owning what is yours owning what is someone else's practicing, just being aware of that and reminding yourself of that, making a plan around how you will take care of yourself.
When a boundary is being crossed, and a boundary that's not even necessarily been directly enforced, but changing the conversation, removing yourself from the situation, taking action without necessarily just flat out, having a confrontation, that type of conversation with somebody.
So I hope that this was helpful. I want to encourage you to start with awareness. And I also want to hear what you think about this. Was this helpful? How do you feel about setting boundaries? Who do you feel like you have the most resistance to set a boundary with? I would love to hear, please just send me a DM, let me know over on my Instagram, that's the best way to get in touch.
But I would love to hear from you. boundary setting is a big, big part of the process when it comes to healing our relationship with food, and our bodies. And it can feel really, really complicated. And it's something that I love supporting my clients with. Because it's essential, it's essential and foundational for this deeper healing work. So I want to let you know that I see you,
I'm with you, whatever feelings are coming up right now, they are totally valid. And there was one other thing I wanted to tell you, I'm trying to remember before I wrap this up. Oh, I know what it was. So before we and I also want to acknowledge one of the things that can feel so complicated around setting boundaries, and that is the fear of abandonment. I really, really got that. And this is why boundary setting is so important. And it can feel so tricky sometimes. And when we are talking about the fear of abandonment, this can show up in a lot of ways.
But one of the ways that I have seen a lot in my coaching is the clients that I support in my community and just observing the culture that I'm living in through my own experience. We bond over how we talk about food and our bodies. It's called diet culture we're all living in fully, truly, it is all around us diet culture doesn't mean that you are on a diet.
Diet culture is so sneaky and insidious and it shows up in all different kinds of ways. But as it relates to boundaries and these communities, we have created a culture where it is so easy for us to bond over Body Talk. So if you've ever been in a situation where you've felt like it was just really natural for you to participate in just pop culture and celebrities body changing and you know, bond doing over that with your friends or your family or bonding over certain cleanses or just eating styles, perhaps it's diets.
But it doesn't even have to be, sometimes it's just a hot tip that you heard from a doctor that someone in your family shared, and now everyone's on that train. And it's just kind of driving the conversations. Sometimes it's about, you know, how people's bodies are changing in your family or friends. And feeling like you have some bond in the commentary around that. And the normalization of that, and it's deeply problematic. This is not to judge that it's to really acknowledge that that happens, on a very consistent basis.
And it does create this feeling of lack of safety, and it really erodes trust as well, too. Because when we're in those situations, where people are constantly talking about bodies, and food, and all of the talk around the diet culture umbrella, we feel like we have to participate in it, or we're going to be outcast in some way, even though that might not directly happen. That's like a deep internal fear. We feel like there's some judgment on us, again, this goes back to the internal boundaries, but that doesn't feel safe, that doesn't feel secure. So it just perpetuates this low-grade sense of judgment in relationships as well, too.
But when it comes back to boundaries and communities, it's really natural to feel that fear come up around, oh, how will I even connect? How will I even connect with the people at the gym? How will I connect with my mom and my sisters, or my best friends? How will I connect with my community group, the women's group that I'm a part of whatever it might be, right?
I really want to encourage you to just acknowledge that fear, rather than pushing it under the rug, really get curious about it, and to also really stand in your power, and just know that you are safe, you are secure, you are supported, you will not be abandoned. There are so many other things that I want to say about this.
But I do want to acknowledge that that's a fear that so many people face. And it is a really, really amazing thing to witness when people do start setting boundaries. And they see their relationships shifting in more meaningful, empowering ways. You know, when food and Body Talk isn't on the table for conversation anymore, it is so awesome to see where the conversation goes, where the connection goes. And so just knowing that not participating and not choosing to engage in this type of talk anymore.
It's not it's not the end of the connection. It's a pivot, it's a shift, it will be uncomfortable, probably not always. But that's there, we can acknowledge that and the more that we practice, just taking care of ourselves and sitting in discomfort versus running from it versus numbing it, versus avoiding it, judging it. That is a powerful tool also.
Okay, I don't want to get onto another tangent, with emotional regulation and all of these things. So let's just leave it here for now. I love you. I am so grateful for you. And I know this is really, really tough to hear sometimes when we start talking about relationships and boundary setting and Body Talk and all these things. And so I just want to acknowledge your courage in just sitting with me for a conversation like this. It really shows your commitment to your It shows your commitment to the people in your life.
Because when you take care of yourself, you take care of everyone else around you. Hard stop, it's the truth.
Okay, go out, set some boundaries, and check the show notes. We'll link the transcription for this episode there. If you do prefer to read it.
If you want to book a call to discuss coaching if you're in a place where you feel like you would really like to begin healing your relationship with food and your own personal body image, you will find a link to book a call with me and we can talk about the next steps and what all of the coaching entails. But for now, know that you are allowed to know that you are supported.
I'll talk to you later.