Episode 113: How to Have Great Sex with Gigi Engle
In this episode we sit down with... Gigi Engle.
Gigi Engle, ACS, CSE, CSC, is an award-winning feminist author, certified sex educator, and psychotherapist in training. As a sex expert with Lifestyle Condoms, she promotes and teaches about pleasure-based sex education, masturbation, and safer sex practices.
Gigi’s work regularly appears in many publications including Cosmopolitan, Marie Claire, Elle Magazine, Teen Vogue, Glamour and Women's Health. Her articles have been shared over 150 million times.
In this conversation we talk about:
Gigi’s personal body image story- the shift in her relationship with her body through her deep dive into sexual exploration
The connection between eating disorders and sex
Biggest takeaways of what we're missing in our society around sex education and practical tips to shift into a more sex positive space
All the details about masturbation, orgasms, sex toys, foreplay, and more
The best ways to break the barrier and start speaking up and advocating for what you want in the bedroom
Connect with our guest...
IG: @GigiEngle
Twitter @GigiEngle
Resources we mention in this episode…
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TRANSCRIPTION Episode 113: How to Have Great Sex with Gigi Engle
Katelyn:
All right, Gigi Engle. Hi. Welcome to the show. Thanks for being here.
Gigi:
Yeah, thanks for having me excited for this chat.
Katelyn:
Me too. So I can't wait to hear about your personal body image story and all of the work that you're doing now. So let's just dive in. And the first question that we ask everybody on the show is your first body awareness moments. So what did that moment look like for you where you realized I'm in a body? Apparently, this means something in the world that I'm living in. Just paint the picture for us around that one single moment? And then also how that impacted your relationship with your body and or food moving forward.
Gigi:
Yeah, I mean, there were like, there's, I can't I don't know if I can pinpoint like, exactly one moment, I just remember being like, really little. And my parents were, especially my mom was like, really quite free with like nudity. And just like, found bodies quite joyful. So like, we used to do this thing when we were really little, where she would like put on Peter, Paul and Mary, and we would just all dance around naked, like just the kids. And we were like, really little, and it was really like innocent and sweet, like Puff the Magic Dragon. And I remember thinking that bodies were so there was so much joy to be had, and like freeing yourself. And I kind of wish that had stuck with me because like as I gotten older, and was sort of influenced by the media and like, eating disorder culture, and like, the 90s views of like skinny equals power, even though that's like still true. I kind of lost some of that. And I think like, becoming interested in sexuality was like a huge moment of a huge time of reclaimed reclamation for me because I was able to find so much more joy in my own body and in bodies in general through the exploration of sexual pleasure. So I think that that's been quite liberating.
Katelyn:
When did you find that in your body journey? What part of what chapter in your life was that?
Gigi:
Well, I remember I was like, my mom tells the story. She loves like, shows everything until I was really funny. Like, when I was really little, I was like, a very, like, sexually curious little child. And she tells the story of like, when I was little, and I was like, humping one of her leg bed posts in her bedroom, all the or all of us were watching Barney or something like that. I was like, three. And she was like, Oh, my, and I didn't know what I was doing. I was like, three years old. And she was like, okay, CD, well, that's okay, that's fine to do. But like you to do that in private. And I was like, I don't know what that means. But whatever. I like this. And then and then when I was older, okay, I know. It's like, like, whatever man. She was, she handled it really well. Like, she wasn't like, Oh my God, that's horrible. She was just like, okay, sweetie, like, maybe we don't do that, like, in front of everyone, it was really sweet. And then, when I got older, like I was older, I've always been really interested in sexual I've always found it really, really, like fun. And, like, becoming coming into, like, a reclamation of it was like, when I became a writer, and I was, I was just had no filter. And I've never had a filter, but then very, very celebrated in my life, with my family to just like, be as like filterless as possible, and like to just not care what people think. Um, and so when I was writing, I was working for this website. And they, they would come up with these, like, very, very bizarre, like, raunchy sex ideas, like ideas around sex, like, how to make your pussy taste different, all these like, kind of just like bizarre stuff that like, millennial like websites will come up with, like, mostly boys. So I was like, I don't give a shit. So I would just write all of these articles and like, research them and thought it was like, so fascinating. And that was kind of like how I started on this journey.
Katelyn:
So interesting. I'm always fascinated by how our environments shaped the people that we are and the people that we're becoming. And that makes so much sense just growing up in an environment like you're describing and really being encouraged to, to express yourself in this really authentic, unapologetic way. And then, like you're mentioning the influences of our society and diet, culture, and all of these things, getting in the way of that and refining and rediscovering your, your voice it sounds like in your, your true authentic expression through writing. That's incredible.
Gigi:
Yeah, it was pretty, it was pretty magical. And like, that's how I just like kind of got more and more into sexuality stuff like as my career was biting, and then I figured, like, I kind of needed I owed my audience more than I was giving them because like, I was like, doing everything from like a journalistic perspective. But sex is like writing on sex really like a minefield. Like it has to be done so carefully. To be good. Otherwise, it's like crass and horrible or like, poorly researched. So I was like, I should get certified in sex education. And so I did that. And now I'm studying to be a psychosexual therapist. So just sort of everything moving into bigger things one step at a time, as I get further and further entrenched,
Katelyn:
I have a million questions. My first is how you have noticed any kind of shift in your relationship with your body through this deep dive into sexual exploration?
Gigi:
Absolutely, I mean, I think, um, you know, I still like struggle a lot with like, body image. Stuff like I, I, I'm pretty open about this, like I had an eating disorder for like, a long while that I still like, and then recovery from, but like, I still have some issues with that. But I found that like, I have so much more, I have so much more comfort in my body than it used to, because like, it's such a vessel for pleasure. And it has so much potential to make me feel good that I don't know why I should be bogged down and like caring. So much like if I fit into a certain size, because like, orgasms are amazing. And if my body can do all of this, then like, what is there to be upset about?
Katelyn:
What when you were in your eating disorder, and I appreciate you sharing that part of your story. I I know so many people in this community are either currently struggling with an eating disorder or have before know somebody who is so what did your relationship with sexuality look like? When you were in the depths of your eating disorder?
Gigi:
I wouldn't really say that it was like affected that much. Because like at that point, I was like a teenager, and I just hadn't had I there was like no sex education when I grew up. I mean, I don't know if you experienced the same thing. No, but like, there was like, education. Yeah, my mom like is quite was pretty, pretty open about sex stuff. But she was like, grew up with a really militant Catholic mom. And so she didn't really know how to talk about it, either. It wasn't she was like sex shaming. She just like, didn't know what to tell me, basically. So like, I was, you know, a teenager, he was having, like, you know, mediocre, teenage sexual experiences, because none of us know what you're doing. So, I think I think really what it was, was like, because I didn't feel secure in my body I used I used sex as a way of acting out. To like gain, to gain affection and like to gain self worth. So I think like some of my best sexual behaviors, when I was like a teenager, definitely reflect that, like a, like a need to be loved, I guess. Mm hmm.
Katelyn:
Yeah, that validation, which I feel like is rooted in and true for so many people who struggle with eating disorders, I certainly can relate to that myself on a personal level. So becoming a sex educator and getting into this space, what are some things that really stand out to you that you feel like our culture is missing the boat on in terms of education first, and then we'll get into some other things as well, too. I really heard you when you said that there's a certain way to, to talk about sex and that you felt like your audience was craving something more for for from you. So what are some of your biggest takeaways around? What we're missing? Just in our society at large around sex?
Gigi:
I mean, we're missing. I'm like, what Aren't we missing? That would be like a way shorter list. Seriously? Sure. I mean, like, comprehensive sex education should be mandatory in schools and like, parents should be talking to kids about body autonomy and like consent and stuff. When they start really little like in the Netherlands, they start talking about consent and body awareness and like agency, when they're like, in a kindergarten, and then they have age appropriate sex education as the child mature, matures, so that they actually have a normal relationship with sex. That like, isn't as shameful and taboo, because it's like, sex itself isn't taboo. It's humans who say it is and then that's why it is like it's not inherently bad. I think one of the biggest things that we're missing in schools other than just you know, basic science is like, there's no mention of pleasure at all. There's like you never hear it. It's never talked about all we talk about is this fear based sexuality, sexuality, education that talks about STIs and pregnancy, no mention of queer relationships or queer sex. No mention of the clitoris. No mention of the fact that 99.9% of the time we have sex because it feels good. And we forget so much. We don't mention anything about the joys of sexuality. And that's like it that's really like that's the crux of what sectors It's why people love it because it's fun and it feels good.
Katelyn:
Why do you think it's not taught? Why do you feel like you joy and pleasure is left out of sex education.
Gigi:
It's all about fear. It's about the puritanical roots of like our society that's like, it's got like draconian views about like, what pleasure in section B, which is like not talking about pleasure for Section B butter. It's all very heteronormative. It's for baby making. And there's this very pervasive but incorrect idea that like if we tell kids that sex feels good, or we mentioned the word pleasure, that it's going to make kids run out and just have sex all the time, when actually data shows like the exact opposite, the more information you give kids, like the more info they have, the more autonomy they have over their bodies, the better decisions they make for their own sexual health. And most of the time, kids will have sex later, because they don't feel the need to go out and do something that like they've been told not to do. Because when you tell someone you can't do something, they're going to do it. Mm hmm. And they're not going to do it safely.
Katelyn:
Yeah, so what's within your research and just your professional experience and your personal experience as well, too? How do we start incorporating this conversation around pleasure based sex, enjoy the sex, I'm sure a lot of people will hear this message and perhaps feel triggered or offended or really excited and curious about well, how do I start doing this? And where does it start? Is it I'm not a teacher. So does this start at like, a systemic level level? Like in the school system? Where do you have? Where do you have to start to actually make a change with something like this?
Gigi:
Sure. I mean, first of all, if anybody feels really scandalized and offended by this, you need to do your own personal work on yourself. Because like talking about sex, which is as normal to the human condition as eating or sleeping, should not offend or freak you out. Like, it's a normal thing that like, we all do, we all deserve to have sexual fulfillment in our lives. So if you're feeling very triggered by that, you need to look Tate, like you need to figure your shit out. Because that's not that's your stuff.
Katelyn:
I appreciate you saying that. Yeah, I think that's really important. And how can people start figuring their shit out? What's the path of least resistance to just taking a deeper look at that.
Gigi:
There's a lot of ways I think, I think the first place to start is to, like, make an effort to educate yourself, because the thing is, is like the school system is not going to change anytime soon. Like, it's just not going to get comprehensive sex education is not going to happen anytime soon, that would be ideal. And that's like a two pronged approach is like parents talking to their kids about sex. And then also schools also teaching kids about sex, because that way, you get the full scope of education. Neither parents nor schools can be totally relied on. Because some people won't do it. Um, but as far as like being an adult, and like, if you're getting really triggered talking about, you know, kids understanding sexuality, or like, or needing comprehensive sex education, like, work on yourself, like, make a conscious effort to educate yourself, like there's so many amazing Instagram, sex positive people who are giving out really amazing sex education for free. They're awesome websites like climax, and oh my god, yes. And all these like amazing sex education websites that are so sex positive and awesome. And like educating yourself is a really good step. Because surrounding yourself with sex positive messaging can really help shift your personal view about it.
Katelyn:
Yeah,going back to environment, and how impactful our environment is on just who we're becoming, and our beliefs and our beliefs about ourselves as well, too, which could be used for positive or negative, but I think those are great points. We'll link those in the show notes as well, too. So going back to my original question around, just creating a more sustainable change towards pleasure and sex positivity in the school system, and just in our culture, in general, I think we're, you know, we just covered our individual responsibility, and really doing our own work. And then what are some other ways that we can start to make a change to create a different message for the future?
Gigi:
I mean, I think that we all kind of, it's gonna take sort of like a shift in the cultural mindset towards like, wanting to be more sex positive, and like, understand, like, integrating sexuality into the way we into the normal, like ways that we teach kids about things like we teach kids manners, and we teach them, you know, how to be a good friend, and how to be like, how to be a good person. And then we just never talk about sex. And it doesn't make any sense because sex is like a normal part of being a person. And like, even if you're uncomfortable with these conversations, or uncomfortable talking about sex, it's really important that you do the work now, because your kids are going to be able to sense your discomfort, even if you want to be sex positive with them. And it's your job to educate them and your job to have these conversations and to not make them feel weird about it. Because if you aren't weird about it, you treat sex like everything else. You don't act like it's some scandalized thing. You can talk about it, and your kids will feel comfortable coming to you with questions, and you're going to end up raising more body positive sex positive and secure kids who feel like they have autonomy over their own bodies.
Katelyn:
Hmm. I love that. And I mean that, that creates this massive ripple effect in so many ways, just just taking responsibility for that. And I think that's so important, just like you're saying like that this radical shift really starts with us individually and, and then pushing it out into our culture in different ways. As well, too, I see a lot of overlap with this and body image work, and how powerful it is to prioritize our own individual body acceptance and body image word work in order to make a cultural shift. And so I feel like there's a lot of parallels here and make sense, since it's our bodies, whether it's how you're feeling about them sexually, or just aesthetically, or from a sensory perspective as well, too. So I'm curious if you have any information or education, around the overlap with eating disorders and sex drive, I don't think we've ever talked about this on the show. But I, I know from my personal experience that was significantly affected when I was really struggling. Was it? Is that true for you? Did you I know, you mentioned that you use sexism is definitely
Gigi:
Oh, sorry to interrupt you.
Katelyn:
No, no, I was just acknowledging that you've already mentioned that you've, you've kind of used sex to validate yourself in a different way. But in terms of the actual biological drive towards sex and eating disorders, what can you share?
Gigi:
I mean, there's definitely a connection with that in a couple of different ways. And when you are present, when you have a poor body image, like you don't feel good about yourself, and you don't feel comfortable in your own body, your sex drive will definitely be negatively impacted. Because when you're in a state of distress like that, your body can't really get aroused, because it can't, it can't get into a state of relaxation that allows that process to start. That's why things like anxiety, lack of sleep, stress, like those are all huge factors and libido, and they're, it's like stress is like libidos kryptonite. And when you're in a state of an eating disorder, you're quite stressed out quite distracted, and you're hate and you hate your body, you're not really going to be in a place to be relaxed enough to be aroused. Nor are you going to feel comfortable enough, you're in your skin to like, want to have sex, because being having sex and being naked with somebody, even naked with yourself is so quite vulnerable. It's like the most vulnerable way, what's vulnerable thing we can do is like being naked with somebody else. So it's like, if you don't feel comfortable in your own body, the likeliness of you wanting to put yourself in that position rapidly decreases. And that's going to make you seek Second Sex out less often. Because sex actually isn't a drive. It's not like eating or sleeping. A drive actually denotes like, something that you actually can't live without. And even though you may feel like you can't live without orgasms, because like we've all been there, you feel like you actually can, you can technically live without them. So sex actually is born out of a of a of your body's reward system. So like the more positive sexual experiences you have, the more you want, that you hate your body are in the throes of an eating disorder and you you stop seeking out sex because you're too you don't want to be naked with someone, you're going to stop wanting it because you break the cycle of positive reward experience.
Katelyn:
Hmm. So interesting. And that makes so much sense. I'm curious, you just mentioned orgasm, and I don't know the statistics off the top of my head. But what is the research around people who can't experience orgasm? Why does that? Why is there a demographic of individuals who can't experience orgasm? Is there a way that they can start to experience that what what? What do you know about it?
Gigi:
Yeah, I mean, so there are, there are, there's a small percentage of people not really small, but like there is a percentage of people, some people who can't who have experienced what's called pre orgasmic and orgasmic, which is like the inability to orgasm. And a lot of the time, the inability to orgasm is not a physical condition, but it's rather the person just hasn't experienced either stimulation, that is enough to bring them to orgasm, or have or just hasn't figured out what stimulation they need in order to orgasm. And also, like, orgasm is also built a lot out of like your context like you feel safe with the person you're with. Do you feel sexy? Do you feel stressed? There's a lot of like, stuff that goes into it's a really complex bio, psychological and physiological combined, like experience. So it's not as like, simple as it sounds, even though it can be it can seem that way. Um, yeah.
Katelyn:
Yeah. Well, I think I'm glad that you mentioned the, like, the psychological element of that as well, too, because especially as it relates to foreplay, I mean, there is that, from what I understand, just on a personal level, like there's that that blend of Both were it's it's not either or it's both. And that that goes into a sexual experience so much. So, what if for anybody who's interested in having a more robust sex life? What are the best ways that people can get into that mindset and also physical action steps that people can take that they might not be thinking of right now? Let's just let's start with somebody who feels like, I'm having sex. Things are good, not great. I want them to be better. I'm in a neutral to low perspective on my body. And I just want to take the next step forward, what are some ways that people can shift into more of that sex positive space? And in terms of foreplay, and just sexual experiences in general?
Gigi:
Sure, I mean, I think one of the first place to start it would be to like ask this person like how they actually define sex. Because we have like, you know, cultural understanding that like penis and vagina sex is the old is like the only real sex and everything else is just like, foreplay or like, add ons. But actually like I we like to psychosexual therapist, we like to think of it as it's called core play, which is like anything that is enhancing sexual feelings and is like, like anything from kissing to, like, to oral sex to handsets to sex with toys, like and, and penis and vagina sex and penis an anal sex like anything. That's all. That's all sex. It's all it's all on the same playing field. Anything that brings you pleasure, deserves equal weight. So I think a big shift in that mindset is like hugely important for somebody with a clitoris because we have this understand this idea that like you're supposed to be able to have orgasms from penis and vagina sex. And the truth is that the vast majority of people with a clitoris are not going to have orgasms that way. That's like, it's not, there aren't a lot of touch sensitive nerve endings in the vagina. And it's like, and some people do orgasm that way, don't get me wrong, some people can. But the vast majority of people need their clitoris is simulated, which is on the outside of their body. And trying to have an orgasm during vaginal sex would be kind of like rubbing a guy's ball sack and then expecting him to orgasm that way. Like yes, some like someone, some people do, some people might. But if you're not touching a penis, it's pretty unlikely. So it's like we need to give clitoris as the same way. So I think that shift would be really important. Because like there's, we have this mindset to, especially if you if you don't have great body image, but it's directly linked to feelings of worthiness. And women are already taught that our pleasure is an afterthought. Like it's a bonus if, if you get to have pleasure, and if not, then like whatever it's like, it's not mandatory. And the fact that women are women and vulva owners like are not are not taught to prioritize their pleasure and that like orgasms are not mandatory, is like, it's really, it's unbelievable to me, the way I like to think about it. It's like as if you were at a restaurant, and you're with your partner, and he was served. I'm doing heterosexual couples here just so everybody knows I'm being heteronormative here, but like you're at a dinner with your with your partner, and he has served a five course delicious five course meal and you're served a packet of saltines you are going to be so fucking pissed. And you're gonna write a Yelp review and tell all your friends not to go to that restaurant. So why would you expect a basket of saltines out of your sex life? Hmm. So that's, that's that rant. And then so anyway, that was like some practical tips. So the first big practical tip I can give is like masturbate, masturbate, masturbate. It's like the biggest radical act of self love you can do for yourself. It can like the mind, a psychological and physiological connection, the mind body connection is so important and experiencing good sex. And it's so important in improving body image and connecting to your body and getting inside of this. It's what it's called a getting into an introspective space, where you're able to actually like connect your mind with your body on like a granular level. Like that's extremely powerful. And it's a huge, huge way of boosting self confidence because you become aware of like, of what your body can do. And then additionally, like masturbation helps you figure out exactly what you need to have orgasms because your partner is not going to know how to give you orgasms. If you don't know how to give yourself orgasm. They are not a mind reader. And it is not their job to magically know what makes you tick. Like you're responsible for your orgasms. So you need to take charge of that. And that and then that automatically gives you more agency more autonomy and more confidence in the bedroom.
Katelyn:
Mm hmm. So in terms of masturbation, what do people need to know? What do we need to know about this? And because obviously, we have hands if people are sitting, they do have hands and two hands. So there's that but what are other ways that we can masturbate and just begin exploring our sexual morality and just our relationship with sex for ourselves?
Gigi:
I mean, I am like the vibrator fairies so like if you can get your head you can get a vibrator looks like it's such an amazing tool to have there they're not all of these like they're not like the Sex in the City pink rabbit where it's like extremely phallic and huge. There are so many cute prop like very gender neutral products out there that are not scary. Like there's a time they won. They're so they're so cute. Yeah. And like, you don't have to get some giant sex toy. They're like little upon vibrator or finger vibrator skin has a great line that's really inexpensive and has like it's made from good quality materials, damn products has amazing products that are really, really cute. Zollo has great products. These are like companies that are the Well, damn and dollar are owned by women. So they actually are people who own a vulva and actually know what people want. And they make really high quality stuff and like so that's a really important first step. I also think it's like, it's such a, it's such a beautiful love letter to yourself to buy yourself a sex toy. It's like you're doing it's like you're doing something so special for yourself. And a vibrator is a gift that keeps on giving. Like, it's amazing. It's And then additionally, I really Yeah, it's so true. Additionally, like a high quality water based lube that doesn't have any parabens or glycerin in it. gloob is like your best frickin friend other than your vibrator. You're kind of like in a threesome with the lube and the vibrator. And you shouldn't and like we also have another lie is that like if you use lube like it must be because you're not aroused enough. You're not wet enough for your broken bullshit. Everybody should be using lube. It makes sensations better. It creates a nice barrier between the vulva which is very delicate, and your toys, and it's amazing and everyone should be using lube all the time. Because trying to have sex without lube of any kind. It's like trying to go down a waterslide without any water.
Katelyn:
I love that analogy. That's so good. I feel like that's so true. I have a question about masturbation in terms of expectations. I'd love your thoughts on this. So it if you are using a vibrator, that's a very different sensation than just trade up penetration penetration or just really any type of human sexual experience without a sex toys. So what how does that play a role in partnered sex in terms of just setting a really realistic expectation without incorporating a sex toy? And just being mindful of that as well to? Apart partnered sex without a sex toy? Because just the sensations are so different.
Gigi:
Yeah, I mean, the sensations are really different. First of all, your toys are totally have space in your sex life as well with your partner. So like, that's absolutely an option. But if you want to not use a sex toy, you're not going to use a sex toy. Like encouraging, like asking your partner for oral sex is like a huge, huge, important thing. I mean, of course, it's not for everybody, not everybody likes it. But it's the most reliable way that people with clitoris is have orgasms. So having like having an orgasm first before having any kind of penetration will help get you aroused, that makes sex more comfortable. And it makes it puts you more in the mood because like you're You're not just trying to stick something in when you're not fully aroused could not only be like not pleasurable, but it can cause pain.
Katelyn:
Yeah, totally. Talk to us about communication because I think this is where this is the biggest hurdle for so many people perhaps knowing what they want and just feeling that shame around being able to ask for it and communicating what, what they need or what they like to their partner. So do you have any suggestions in the best way to break this barrier and just start speaking up and advocating for what you want in the bedroom? Or wherever you're having sex?
Gigi:
Yeah, I mean, there's there are a couple of good I have a couple of good tips for this like if you want first of all masturbating will really help you get really clear about what you want and the more you know exactly what you want, the easier it is to ask for it so that's like a big step in it because like you're not totally sure it's going to be like impossible to ask for it. And so that's number one is really hone in like exactly what it is kind of stimulation you like figure that out first and then you'll be able to talk to it more easily. Now if you want to talk to your partner about something that you want in the bedroom like you want what oral sex you want more hand sex you want to bring your toy in whatever it's not a great idea to bring that stuff up in a sexual contacts because they're already in a really vulnerable place and so is your partner and when we ask if we get if you something that could be perceived as defensive because sometimes people will take like asking for something as like a direct assault to like their character which is like they shouldn't but you know, people are people are emotional creatures. I'm so like, bringing it up in a non sexual context like over dinner or like, when you ask if you ask them if you could have a chat about your sex life in the living room or something like Much better neutral place to be talking about sexuality and you just bring it up really casually to be like, and I do I suggest doing what is called a ship sandwich. Which is where you say something really nice. And then you give the feedback and then you close with something nice. So like, Babe, you're so good in the bedroom. I love what we had last night. You know, you're amazing with your mouth. I would love if you would give me some oral sex because I just love when you do that. Oh my God, you look so cute tonight. I love it serve it up. Yeah, it's like you give a little feedback. But like you make them feel good at the same time. Because like, I always like I'm not I'm not a fan of like catering to the male ego. But the fact is, like, we all have male, we all have not male egos. We all have egos. And like we do need to be treated with some love and some empathy because like, you have to think about how you would want someone to approach you with information like that. Like yes, you want the information. Of course you want to make your partner feel good, but you also don't need them to be like, You know what, you fucking suck at sex. Can you please lick my clit? Because he would be like, That's so mean.
Katelyn:
Yeah. Do you recommend this for same sex relationships too this form of communication or re you really speaking it heterosexual ?
Gigi:
Oh no it works for everybody. I just said heterosexual relationships because it's like, yeah, it's the go to. And same sex relationships this like communication issues seem to be much less, much less of a problem. Yes, that happens of course, and like communication issues happen across the spectrum with all relationships, but and same sex relationships. There's like, with with vulva owners anyway, like to women, it's much there seems to be just like a much higher degree of empathy when the male ego and toxic masculinity are not present. Plus, like women know, people involved know about what they want to feel and vice versa. That makes sense. Generally better at it. No offense, all my male people up there, but you know, you know, it's true.
Katelyn:
Mm hmm. Yeah, that's, that's very true. What about foreplay, what are some? What are some ideas that you have around foreplay, that people might not be considering if someone's kind of just in their standard rhythm, and they want to shake it up, but they don't really know how to do that? What are some creative ideas that are kind of low hanging that we can reach for?
Gigi:
There's a lot of stuff. I mean, the thing is, is like, you know, I was talking about how to really complex psychological and physiological experiences, like sexuality. So like, start building arousal throughout the day, like start sexting, sending flirty pictures, get those fires going, like early, because that's all foreplay, and that will get you like so worked up mentally that you'll be like raring to go by the time it's like sexy time later. So it's always a really good idea is like flirt with your partner send sexy text. Remember that like the arousal process can take can be started at the beginning of the day and can last all day and then when you get home like that's when like, it goes down and that makes it way hotter. So I would definitely suggest that um, oral sex is so underrated and it needs to be like front and center of any sexual experience and it's not an foreplay is not a thing fore play is everything. So this is all stuff that like, is just like non penetration and penetration is not the only real kind of sex so start to put like your pleasure and stuff that actually feels good to you like center stage.
Gigi:
Luve during during foreplay leave during sex should be an absolute must like heavily have on your nightstand. And use it liberally because it makes everything better, the wider the better. Always increases all sensations and you will be more likely to orgasm. So don't sleep on it.
Katelyn:
Love it. What's your favorite lube? Are you allowed to say?
Gigi:
I have a couple. I'm really into Jimmy Jane's water basically right now because it comes in like a really nice like, glass bottle and it looks really fancy. And I love it. And on that same note like Zoro has this water based lube that's incredible. That's like a good bottle of gold and I feel like such a bougie b so like those are my two of the moment. And the first silicone based logo I like. I like skins all night long lube because it really stays on there. It does the job.
Katelyn:
Okay, cool. I'm curious about scheduling sex. What are your thoughts? Should we be doing this? Is it working? For some people and not others, what's the 411?
Gigi:
Yeah, I'm actually a big proponent of it. Like there's this idea that like, if you schedule sex, like, it's gonna take all like the hotness out of it, but that's but it's only if you're doing it wrong, to be honest. If you start looking at sex, like it's like this chore, and you're like, dreading it, then yeah, that's like that's not going to be super fun. But actually, like, that's a great opportunity to be doing the SEC, the SEC thing and like getting the fires going all day like instead of thinking it as something like you have to do it something you should be looking forward to do. And then additionally, like having sex like on the calendar, it really does give you something to look forward to it also does not always have to be like, wham bam Thank you ma'am. penetration and moving on with your day. Like it doesn't have to even be penetration doesn't have to be sex, it could just be like naked, cuddling or like massages, or just like laying in bed and like being naked together and talking like it's about creating intimacy and enhancing that like sexual flame between the two of you. It's not not necessarily like, it doesn't need to be something that needs to be dreaded. It's actually something that's like, because the thing is, is like sex is like a houseplant, your sexuality and your sex life are like a houseplant, and is water and sun and needs TLC or it will wither and it will die. So putting sex on the schedule as like giving it the priority, and the importance that it deserves.
Katelyn:
I love that. Okay, so a question is coming up around that, because I feel like one of the most popular conversation topics just in when friends get together, certainly with my friends and whatnot is how often do you have sex? What's the right amount to have sex? How often do you masturbate? Like, what's the right amount? Just, I know that people can easily fall into a comparison trap with this. But what's healthy ? What's kind of a number to aim for? For solo sex and partnered sex?
Gigi:
Sure, I mean, so first of all, we qualify by saying like, there actually is no right number of orgasms to have every week, like it's gonna, it's seriously going to vary from person to person. And the only person who gets to answer the question are people I should say, are the people who are in the relationship. So like, if you're completely fine, having sex twice a week, and your partner is fine with that, you have no problems. If you're having sex once a month, and both of you are fine with that, that's fine. Like, it's like you guys are the only ones are the only people that make that decision. Now, if one of you wants to have sex, like every day, and the other person wants to have sex, like twice a week, that's where you're gonna run into some need for negotiation. And there can totally be like a middle ground that's found there. But like, it's not about like, Oh, if I'm not having this many orgasms a week, then I'm a failure. Like, I'm not having good sex. It's like, that's such a waste of thought space and energy. Because like, why is that? It's like, if you're satisfied with your sex life, and you like what's happening, then you're doing it right. With that, with all of that being said, there has been some data that has shown that couples who have sex once a week tend to be like, much more tend to be happier than couples the report overall, for more relationship satisfaction than couples who have sex less than that. But the data also shows that if you have sex more than once a week, there isn't an increase in happiness generally. Interesting. So that's something to just so people think are supposedly having three sex three times a week, you do not have to do that. You don't even have to have sex once a week. I'm just saying like, yeah, less frequent than people think.
Katelyn:
Yeah, I know, I feel like our culture has this idea where it's like, if you're not having sex every other day, something is off. And I mean, I love that you're making this point that the right amount is what is right for you and your partner and deciding that together rather than looking at what everybody else is doing. I think that's so valuable and so important, and something a great takeaway for this community as well to multiple orgasms. How do we have them? Is this possible? What like, Is this only reserved for certain people? What are your thoughts and facts?
Gigi:
Um, so you know, multiple orgasms, totally a possible thing? Will everybody have them? No. But the thing is, is like if you have one orgasm, and then you're like, I'm done, like, I'm good. Like, that's fine. You don't have to like push yourself that's like this is the thing with porn has pushed people with Volvo's pretty much everybody though, into this like, sexual Olympic headspace where like we have to have multiple orgasms and be squirting all the time and doing like the pile driver sex position. And like all this stuff, that it's like, that's not even fun. So like, if you have one orgasm and you're like, I'm good, then like, then you're good. You You You're satisfied. That's fabulous. Now with people evolve as especially we do have less of what's called the latency period, which is like the time after you orgasm, your bot your hormones like kind of return to a stasis level and then actually with male bodied people most of the time They will be so overcome with a chemical called prolactin that they will just fall asleep. But vulva owners have a much shorter latency period. So after like a few, sometimes a few minutes, sometimes like half hour, you might be like ready to go again. And if you are, go for it because like you totally can't. With that being said, if you had a clitoral orgasm, your clitoris might be like, a bit sensitive after having not much had that much stimulation and it could be like a little overly sensitive to just like, be careful with it and try different moves like with your sex toy or hands like circling the clitoris or like tapping on it or using your labia as like a you can put your labia like over your clitoris muse was like a barrier for like more muted stimulation. And that can be quite pleasurable, as opposed to like going right for the clitoris. Because you might be like, Oh, that's too much.
Katelyn:
Mm hmm. So good. I love everything that you're saying. I'm just soaking it up. It's all so interesting, and so practical as well, too. I'm curious about just increasing our libido, and how we can do that in alternative ways beyond sex and just individually speaking. I mean, are there foods that increase libido? Are there things that we should be watching or listening to or activities we should be doing besides just masturbating? What? What really gets that going?
Gigi:
Yeah, I mean, there were a lot of factors that help with libido like especially, like lowering stress levels, which I was like, oh, yeah, GG, easier said than done. But like anything you can do that lower stress levels is like it's so important for libido because your libido cannot manifest if your body if your nervous system is in like a freezer, flight stakes, or fight flight or freeze. It's like a high panic state and your body. It's like it's a rollover from, from like, prehistoric times, when like, we were hunters and gatherers, and like the fight flight response is like, oh, there's a lion coming, which means it is not time to procreate right now to run or like fight this lion. And so your body is like nope, and it sends her sprain sends a signal to your body to be like, no arousal, and your body can't get around. It's in that state, the lowering stress, big important thing. Also, like I said, you know, beyond. I'm saying like, there's really nothing beyond masturbation because like, the more orgasms you have, the more you will want. It's like a reward system. So the more you have, the more you're likely to have, you're more likely to want them. And like another one of these like another myths, there's like so many of them is that like sex toys will make you not want partnered sex, but actually the opposite is true. Studies show that like the more you masturbate, the more orgasms you have, the more partnered sex you crave. Because it's all part of that reward system. There aren't actually foods that are scientifically proven to increase libido. Makkah route is like something you can put in schools and it does have some interesting, some interesting information of like how it boosts sexual libido, but like as far as like scientific research goes, it's pretty sparse. So like stuff like oysters and chocolate and stuff. There isn't a lot of like scientific evidence to support that. But if it works for you, then keep doing it. Yeah.
Katelyn:
If it's a placebo, I mean, I'm a big fan of placebos. That's amazing. Is it libido? Or libido? Like, can you say either?
Gigi:
Never heard anyone say libido before but you do you.
Katelyn:
I mean, I'm not surprised. I like classically saying words wrong all the time. So call me in.
Gigi:
We're all in the same boat. We're all just trying to live man.
Katelyn:
I know. Well, I love that you emphasize stress management, stress management and the importance of that, in terms of just your libido, and just sex sexual experience in general. And one of the things that comes to mind in this community is just how, how our bodies are prone to heightened stress in eating disorders, disordered eating, high diet, culture, all of these things, and we don't even really consider that that's what's happening. And so I think that that is absolutely something to pay attention to, you know, in tandem with everything that you're saying as well too. What are some of your favorite Stress management techniques?
Gigi:
I have a couple that I really like. Um, I with clients, I do something called it's called a grounding exercise where what's one of the what's a grounding exercise where like, if you're starting to feel like panicked or you're starting to feel like really overwhelmed is like be in a place where you have to be in a place like you're if you're in your home, and Name five things around the apartment that are house that like you can see and you know exactly where they are like there's my fridge like there's the so there's like, my salt, and like you and it helps you like your brain connect with your body to remind you like where you are, and to tell yourself that you're safe to be like I'm at home. I'm safe. And those messages can will really start to kick in. So that can be very much like, because when you become really stressed, a lot of people will either panic or become dissociated where like you leave your body essentially, because it's like it's too stressful to disconnect. So that can be a really important exercise. And then another thing I really like is box breathing, where you breathe in. For four seconds, hold your breath for the count of four, and then breathe out for four seconds, and then repeat about 810 times. And the oxygen that's like, coming in and out of your lungs will activate the sympathetic nervous system and we'll calm your your body down and we'll give you like a reset.
Katelyn:
Love. So good. I'm such a big fan of stress management. And however, people can incorporate more of that and myself included, I think we all need a little bit more. These days, especially, this is so valuable. Do you feel like there's anything else that you want to share? Educate on today, or just speak your truth around because I think you dropped so much gold and this is also a really clear entryway into steps forward? For a lot of people, I have just a really good intuition about that. But before you go, is there anything else that you feel like it's just important for this community to be aware of or learn?
Gigi:
And I think I would just say that, like every single person deserves, like, every orgasm they want and the most like beautiful and fulfilling sex life that they deserve and that they that they want, and you deserve that 100%. And you should not be afraid to pursue that and you deserve. Life is way too short for shitty sex. So please, please pursue more pleasurable sex for yourself. masturbate, get sex toys, and just like embrace this for yourself because it is like, it's absolutely life changing. It's almost like, it becomes very hard to hate on yourself when you're orgasming every day.
Katelyn:
I heard recently, I can't remember where it's from. But it said an orgasm a day is like the new apple a Day.
Gigi:
I'm the one that said that.That was me. A sexologist says that an orgasm a day keeps the doctor away. Katelyn:
Really? Yay Oh my god!
Gigi:
That was mine. I 100% stand by that.
Katelyn:
Oh my god, I'm quoting you in the middle of our conversation without even realizing it. I freakin love it. That is genius. I've said that to so many people. And I have every single time reference that is from somebody else, but I never knew who it was from. So you heard it here first. And we'll absolutely make sure we put that in the show notes as well too. Where can everybody find you connect with you get into your world? We'll link it in the show notes.
Gigi:
You can find me on Instagram and Twitter @ Gigi Engle. And then my website is missgigiengle.com where you can find all of the blog posts that I write about various sex topics, as well as my resource list which has amazing psychosexual education reads podcasts, novels, all of the good stuff. And then on educational websites of course. And that is also where you can find a link to my substack newsletter just called the g spot which unpacks sexuality from a feminist lens every Monday and comes with lots of fun links to all the cool stuff I found that week.
Katelyn:
Awesome. Thank you so much for being here speaking your truth, sharing your story, all of the information and wisdom that you dropped in. I really appreciate it and just appreciate the work that you're contributing to the world. It's amazing.
Gigi:
Thank you so much. This was a real blast.
