Episode 119: How to Manifest a Life That You Love with Efia Sulter
In this episode we sit down with....Efia Sulter.
Efia is a Mindset + Manifestation Coach, content creator + podcast host of The Manifest Edit. Her mission is centred around empowering ambitious women to stop playing small, confidently manifest their desires and create extraordinary lives. There is nothing that charges her up more than empowering people to step into their greatness, which is something I know to be true of your work also.
After being orphaned at 14 she desperately wanted to live a normal life but the older she got she realised normal wasn’t going to cut it… she wanted more. Efia went from battling chronic illness, anxiety + depression to moving overseas from Scotland to Australia and manifesting her extraordinary life. Now Efia dedicates her life to empowering others to break out of normal and into extraordinary.
Efia’s work has been featured on Thrive Global, BBC Radio Scotland and Stylist and she’s been a guest on numerous podcasts.
In this conversation we talk about:
Efia's personal body image story- from being the only black girl in Scotland to orphaned as a 14 year old
Her experience with endometriosis & the thoughts and beliefs that were coming up in tandem
The details of her five step method (V.I.B.E.S.) for aligned manifestation
Why faking it till you make it is terrible advice and what we should do instead
The permission we can give ourselves to step into our vision right now rather than waiting
Practical steps for releasing perfectionist tendencies & allowing the universe to provide you with more opportunities
Connect with our guest...
Resources we mention in this episode…
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TRANSCRIPTION Episode 119: How to Manifest a Life That You Love with Efia Sulter
Katelyn:
Okay, Efia Sulter, welcome to the show.
Efia:
Thank you so much for having me.
Katelyn:
Thank you for being here. I'm really excited about this conversation. Let's dive into your body image story. So the first, the first conversation, the first question that we ask everybody is your first body awareness moment. So I feel what did that look like for you that moment where you realized, I'm in a body? Apparently, this means something in the world that I'm living in? How did that moment look for you? And also, how did that shape your relationship with food and or your body moving forward?
Efia:
I think there were two big moments. For me, the first one of those was when I was seven. And I was at my think grate on the family tree doesn't matter. But my grand sister, and I was just chilling in her living room. And I just had this moment of like, who am I? And I, it was the first time that I really became aware that the voice in my head wasn't necessarily me. And it was a question that I continue to ask throughout the rest of my life and also informs a lot of the work that I do. And I think the second moment was in school, and specifically in primary school. And two things that you should be aware of, as you cannot see me on this podcast is I am a black woman, and I am also from Scotland, I grew up in Scotland. And so when I was in school, I grew up in this really, really rural town, and I went to school with about 10 other kids. Obviously, the probability of there being any other black people is already reduced from the fact that is 10 people, but also add in the fact that we're living in rural Scotland. So throughout my childhood growing up, it was regularly my sister and I were the only black kids there. And I definitely felt very othered and felt very different, although I had been raised to like, love myself and love my body. And I was constantly aware of how different I was, whether I viewed myself that way, or whether other people viewed me as different as well.
Katelyn:
That's so interesting. And, you know, this is a theme that we hear so often in these conversations, just in your lived experience, the color of your skin feeling othered for women who have come on before it's been their height, or their hair or their body size. And it just goes to show how important the environment is in terms of feeling like you, you fit in, or you stand out. So in your experience of feeling others, how did you cope with that? What? What resources or tools did you pull from at that time in your life?
Efia:
I would honestly say that it got worse before it got better, because I was actually adopted when I was age three. So I was in the foster care system from around one to three. And when I was adopted, I was adopted by a single parent and also someone who was mixed race as opposed to black. So all right. Also, there was the questions of you know, when you're out with your mom, and you look different to your mom, and there are questions around like, what is your relationship to this person. And unfortunately, when I was 10, my mom got sick. And over the next four years began to rapidly deteriorate until when I was 14, my mom actually passed away. So any questions I had about my identity before were only intensified as I got older and realizing that, okay, I'm not only different in the way that my skin looks different, or I've had a different upbringing, I now also have no parents, and I'm orphaned at 14. And so I was seeing the way that my friends were living their lives and the way that my friends had were shaping their identity. And my experience was just completely different. And I think it wasn't until my early 20s that I really began to build a positive relationship with my mind, my body and my soul.
Katelyn:
How did you start doing that?
Efia:
I think one of the things was allowing myself to feel what I was feeling and to acknowledge that those things mattered to me. And it felt like quite an isolating experience, to be honest, because I didn't have anyone else who was going through what I was going through. And so I struggled with anxiety growing up, I struggled with depression growing up, and I also had, at that time and undiagnosed chronic illness, which I now know to be endometriosis, but that was wreaking havoc on my life for years and I just had no idea what was going on and felt like my own body was attacking me. So a few things happened inside of that in that at 2016. I did really reach a breaking point in terms of my mental health where things got really bad and I felt like I couldn't go on anymore. And the resolution to that was finally getting into therapy after years of feeling like I needed to speak to someone, but getting pushed back because they didn't have the resources. And so therapy definitely helped me began to heal my relationship with my mind and in turn my body because at that point, at the beginning of 2016, I had, I didn't have a good relationship with my body. And I remember it was at this time that I first became aware of conscious manifestation and I would have sticky note affirmations on my mirror, but I would like try and avoid looking at myself in the mirror as I was reading these affirmations because I just had so much kind of like hatred towards myself. And really working through that became a more personal journey, because ultimately, therapy didn't work out for me. My therapist and I just didn't really see eye to eye and I didn't feel like she was honoring my lived experience or respect to me in the way that I felt that I deserved. But it led me on my own journey of self love, personal development, conscious manifestation. And so by the end of the year, I truly I truly loved myself, I loved my mind, I love my body, I loved who I was as a person. And I was beginning to reclaim my identity, not just as someone who wanted to be like everyone else, and have the experiences that everyone else was having, and not be bullied for looking different from the way that everyone else was looking. But I just felt really fucking happy to be me. And that kind of spiraled in my mood from Scotland to Australia. And there were so many different pieces inside of that, that only intensified the way that I began to feel towards myself. And it's funny because a lot of my pivotal moments in my life linked to mirrors. And so there was that first time where I felt like I couldn't even look at them in the mirror, as I was reading my affirmations to a point a few years later than that, where I was seeing someone and I was like checking myself out in the mirror. And they were kind of mocking me for checking myself out. And that was when I knew like that relationship couldn't go on any longer. And then a couple of years after that experience, where I check myself out America, oh my god, I see a mirror, I just have to stop in front of it and just like talk to myself, and I had one of these experiences. And I was like, You look amazing. You look so hard. You're so gorgeous. And my friend is like, thank you so much, because she had overheard me and thought I was talking to her, but it was actually myself in the mirror. And I think you know, mirror work is a really powerful tool to connect with yourself and deepen your relationship with yourself. And it always reminds me of how far I've come when I like Look in my eyes, and I actually see some light behind them. And I see that zest for life that once was just not there.
Katelyn:
Yeah, it almost sounds just hearing your story. Efia it sounds like you, you really had to create your identity intentionally in this part of your life, like you mentioned around 2016, where things kind of came to a head and it sounds like before, the way you're describing, and I really would love your your feedback on if I'm hearing you accurately or not. But it almost sounds like it was kind of a lost identity like searching, figuring out who am I and not really seeing yourself reflected in the environment around you and losing your mother, which I'm sorry, is so devastating, and then kind of grappling with the way that your body is showing up for you or perhaps in your experience feeling like not showing up for you. And so it sounds like this isolated moment in 2016. It really was just deciding to reclaim your identity for one of the first times. Am I kind of piecing those themes together accurately?
Efia:
Yeah, definitely. And I think the other thing is like there was so many labels that were attributed to me by other people. And some of those I had unconsciously began to take on as my own. And it got to a point where I had to question whether all the labels and the beliefs about my identity that I was holding, were actually my truth.
Katelyn:
What were some of the labels you remember?
Efia:
Yeah. So you know, obviously, as having my mom passed away, like everyone at school knew that and knew that I was orphaned. And I was living with my friend's family at this point until we went to university and in some aspects because you're in the care system, you're entitled to more funding, but I remember I was kind of rejecting, not necessarily rejecting the funding, like give me the funding, but I wasn't. I didn't want to be known as someone who was care experience, right? I wanted to be the same as everyone else. I didn't want to be treated differently or the people to perceive me differently or being bullied for my hair and My skin color. And I, it wasn't that I wanted to be a different color. But I just wanted to be accepted for who I was. And I wanted to be more than this app did for who I was. I wanted to be celebrated for who I was as well.
Katelyn:
Yeah, I mean, as you should I hear you loud and clear. How does endometriosis fit into this? Because I know that so many people in this community specifically struggle with different hormonal conditions. And this can be really complicated in terms of our relationship with ourselves and our bodies. So can you walk us through what that looked like for yourself, and just some of the symptoms that you were experiencing, and just the thoughts and beliefs that were coming up in tandem with that.
Efia:
It was incredibly challenging the journey to being diagnosed with endometriosis, and throughout the whole experience, like I feel I was just treated so poorly by doctors. And they would say, well, it's just a normal part of being a woman and you're, you know, as you're in your 20s, you're gonna have some pain. I wasn't just experiencing pain, it was like crippling, unable to walk, unable to work, unable to do anything. It was truly taking over my life, I was having irregular periods, I was having really painful sex, and it was affecting my mental health as well. And then the two of those were feeding into one another. So over those years, when I was at uni, there were countless times when I went to the doctor and said that I thought something was seriously wrong. And I also developed like pretty severe medical anxiety as a result of that, which I actually still have today, I still have like, quite bad medical anxiety, where my first thought is, I'm feeling like slightly, it was like, I know, something is tragically wrong. And I think because at that point, when I was told, like, Oh, nothing is wrong, and when I finally did get diagnosed, which was in Australia, and you know, from the first started appointment I had here, they took me seriously and we're like, Okay, we're gonna run whatever tests we need to run until you you know, you feel supported until we can get to the bottom of this. And so when I did finally get diagnosed with endometriosis, and they told me that it was stage four endometriosis, which is like the worst it can be. It was a relief to hear someone say that because I knew that something was wrong. But I felt like I'd been also so robbed in that process because it had been years and it didn't have to escalate to that point where it was now at. So yeah, my journey with endometriosis and loving my body through that and learning to listen to my body when my body's telling me to take a rest rather than pushing myself because what was happening was because doctors were gaslighting me about my own experience. I began to gaslight myself. So I like okay, well, obviously not that much pain, or you're just like trying to procrastinate from doing things when I was actually in severe amounts of pain. And I was just trying to diminish my experience, because others were.
Katelyn:
Yeah, I mean, it's almost mirroring, especially from a doctor, you know, we're taught by way of just the culture that we're raised in that there's this hierarchy around the medical community. And so it makes a lot of sense. It's almost like that parental figure. What, what do you know, now that you wish you would have known in your experience to getting the official diagnosis for endometriosis? Was there something that at the end, you would offer to people in terms of asking your doctor certain question or advocating for a certain test or even just what to listen for, specifically with your body? Because I think, you know, this story is really powerful. And I think that it's so frustrating being in that part of figuring out medically what's wrong and not having a name for it and not really feeling seen or heard, and not really knowing what to ask for in that process. So for anybody who might be going through something similar, whether it's endometriosis, or something along those lines, what, what would you offer people to, to just advocate for themselves around in that, in that process?
Efia:
Trusting your intuition is definitely a big one for sure. Because intuitively, I was like, something is wrong. And I couldn't quite put off that. I couldn't quite put that feeling into words of just having that knowing. And because we're not taught to trust that knowing you begin to doubt yourself and others doubt it, but when you're grounded in that knowing when you're grounded in your intuition, you will keep moving forward and from a more practical sense, is something you know, like you said, with the other being that kind of hierarchy of Doctor than patient was that when I would get into these appointments, and it was so used to being pushed back I actually found it quite difficult to express myself and speak up for myself when I would go into these appointment And so I started just like writing down what I wanted to say, or writing down symptoms I was having. So when I got to doctors, and I was feeling overwhelmed, or maybe they weren't talking about what I wanted to talk about, I could say, well, I've actually got a list of things I want to go over. And these are what has been coming up for me. So I actually got referred to a private gynecologist. And when I got in there, and I had like, my list in my notebook, and I went through everything he's like, okay, like, from what you've written what you've told me, it sounds like endometriosis. Like straight up, that was the first thing that he said. And what actually then happened was, although the first couple of tests came back, and it looked like everything was fine on the surface, because of all of those underlying symptoms that weren't showing up, he kept pushing for second opinions, which was when I finally got the results, that that we'd been waiting for.
Katelyn:
Okay, so I love this tool, I actually use this tool as well, I think that this is something that can be applied in so many areas of your life. So as you're describing it, it's really just being very intentional about taking note of your symptoms physically, mentally, and emotionally so that you are really grounded when you're going into your appointment with your doctor, I would be curious to see how you've used this in your life beyond the medical appointments, I use this all of the time, I take notes, and walk into my therapy appointments, just like with things that I am noticing my my own personal coaching appointments with my coach, sometimes just sitting down and talking with my husband about things that I really want to just be specific about when we're talking about something really important. Have you found this tool to be helpful in other areas of your life as well? Or is it just me?
Efia:
No, definitely. You're so right. Like every hour I like, I'll get on calls with my coach. And he's like, Okay, do you have a list of questions that you want to go through first? Or should we go through what we discussed before? I'm like, actually, I do have a list of questions today. Let's go through this. And I love that because I'm also someone who have a lot of ideas. And my mind can be on like multiple different things at once. I suspect I have undiagnosed ADHD, but I'm not sure. So having these organizations and having these lists make sure like, I actually say what I want to say and so you know, because also, you know, like you've touched on with therapy, I'm sure what I've experienced in the past, and maybe you've I don't want to put words in your mouth, but maybe what you've experienced is like, you'll be going through some shit. And then you get to therapy appointment, and you're feeling great again, and you're like, oh, like maybe nothing is up. And then you're like, look back over the thing. And you're like, oh, wait, we actually do have things to discuss here.
Katelyn:
Yes, all of the time. And I think that's, that's something that I really learned in my own personal journey, just understanding my own humaneness and that no two days are the same. And there might be a few consecutive days that feel really good or really shitty. But in those appointments, whether you're at the doctor or your coaching appointment, your therapy appointment, your, you know, important conversation with somebody in your life. It's about really bringing to the table, all of the things, and it's hard to recount all of those things on a high note specifically. And to that point, it's it's also important, at least for me to note the high moments as well, too, because that's just as important as the low ones, you know, really taking account of okay, what, what contributes to the things that are working really well in life or making me feel really good are the things that I want to celebrate just as much as the things that are not feeling so great or feeling kind of sticky. So yes, I totally, I'm on the same page, as you. I want to go back to what you mentioned in 2016. I'm kind of having this awakening around building your identity, but also some of the work that you do today and kind of dipping your toes in the waters of manifestation and intentional mindset work and some of the tools that you've already mentioned, like mirror work. So for a lot of people in this community, they're super familiar with some of these concepts. For a large majority people will be hearing this for the first time. So walk us through if somebody is hearing this for the first time. How do you recommend somebody getting into the waters of this work manifestation mindset, all of the things that you have gone through yourself.
Efia:
I think going back to what we said about taking notes, checking in with yourself one of the most important things to remember on this journey is that it is a very personal journey and what everyone desires to get out of their journey internally, externally, it's going to be so different. So make sure that you are continually grounding back in what you desired to achieve who you are and who you're here to be. And so, for me one of the things I realized on my manifestation journey was, I had got to 2018. And at this point I'd been consciously manifesting for a few years and I'd had the most incredible things happen from Miss manifesting my soulmate at the time to my move from Scotland to Australia. Some beautiful travel experiences work for content creation. And I felt like I was a manifestation Pro. And I decided to create my second ever vision board. And reflecting on that vision board two years later, what I realized was that none of the things on there had actually manifested. And that was quite confronting for me, because I I was the manifestation queen. Why was this happening. And when I'm kind of got introspective about why that was, what I'd realized was that I didn't actually want any of the things I'd put on my vision board, I put things on there, because I was like, Oh, I'm overseas and all my friends are like buying houses and having kids like this is where I should be at in my life, or a certain number of followers on social media is going to make me look a certain way. Or this is why I should have this is who I should be, and I kind of falling back into those old patterns again. And so what that led me to realize was that a lot of the discussions about manifestation online, we're centering around intention setting, and I believe intention setting is incredibly important when it comes to manifestation. But it is not where we should begin our manifestation process. And that's what actually led me to coming up with my five step method for aligned manifestation, the vibes method, which is what I teach to all my clients and students now, and starting from your values, as opposed to your intentions.
Katelyn:
Can you walk us through I love the name, I love the acronym, can you just give a brief high level overview of all of the different letters of the vibes method?
Efia:
Absolutely. So the first step of the fives method is embodying the vibe of your higher self, I think a lot of people view their higher self as some faraway person that they need to get to, or I need to be better, I need to do more. But the way that I view your higher self is as your true self, and it's a return to who you truly are. And so in order to return to who you truly are, you need to know what your values are. And whether the life you're currently living is in alignment with those values, and is in alignment with the vision you have of who you're here to be. And if it's not, and if you're not sure what your values are, now's a really great time to go inwards. And to determine what your values are, determine what's important to you. And before asking, What do I want to have ensuring that you're asking yourself who you want to be from that? So from there, and now we can look at intentions because you're super grounded in who you are. What happens when you're not grounded in who you are is like I was you can be very easily swayed and influenced to think that you want things that you don't actually want. So when we look at the second step, which is setting powerful intentions, setting powerful intentions primarily is understanding that the intention to your setting are for you. They're not based on like where your parents want you to be or what your partner wants for you or anyone else thinks you can or should achieve. It's solely based on your values and your vision. And moving towards that rather than away from what you don't want. From here, we look at energetic blocks and boundaries so that I know who I am, I know what I want. And this is where everything is going to come up that's going to say no, you can or no you shouldn't, and all of those reasons that prevent you from going forward in the direction of your dreams. So energetic blocks and boundaries can look like limiting beliefs, lived experiences, past traumas, past experiences. Anything that is feeding into your current worldview, is something that we need to look at whether it's conducive to you moving forward. And then on the flip side of that we also have boundaries. And I think this is something that isn't talked about enough in manifestation. Because if you're giving your time, your energy, your resources, always all the things that aren't serving you it's leaching that time, energy and resources away from other things that actually are serving you. So if you feel like you don't have the time right now, or you don't have the resources right now, like where can we pull it back from some of the areas where we don't actually need to be giving it away. And for me, when I first began consciously setting boundaries in my life, it was something that I kind of had some resistance to because I didn't want to be seen as being bitchy or being perceived to be a certain way that now you can't stop me from setting boundaries because I love the impact that they have on my life. And setting boundaries isn't always necessarily going to be easy. But when you're grounded in your values, it becomes less of a like, I should probably set a boundary to like, I can't not set this because this is what I value and my value is more my values are more important than maybe someone perceiving me a certain way in a moment like my views are for life. And that's not to say your values can't change over time, I'm sure they do as, as your priorities shift we are about your values are definitely a lot more long term than your intentions, your intention should only ever be to serve your values, not the other way around. And so from here, the final two steps are balancing your feminine and masculine energy which looks at the way we take inspired action. And whether you are male, female, or non binary, we all have masculine and feminine energy within us, it's less about the gender more about the energy. And the final step is surrender, which is surrendering the how and building that sense of faith and trust in the universe. And also redirecting that back to yourself as well. And building that sense of faith and trust in your own innate magic and power.
Katelyn:
Yes, so good. And is this created in a specific order? Or can some people do one of these things before the other? Doesn't matter?
Efia:
I wouldn't necessarily say that's linear, I would always say that the values do have to come before everything, because that's kind of your jumping off point for everything else.
Katelyn:
So how does a vision board tie into this? Or at this point? What's your opinion about using a vision board as a tool for manifestation?
Efia:
Oh, I think vision boards are incredibly powerful tools when they are done intentionally, right? It's not just like, oh, this would be like something aesthetic to create, or everyone else is making vision boards. So I should create vision boards. Again, I think a vision board is something that is deeply personal. And I actually ran a vision board workshop at the beginning of the year. And it can be personalized, like right down to the layout or to how you theme yours is because we all learn very differently. So for me, I am actually not a massively visual person, like when people took me out here really a moment to realize a beat to realize that when people say like they're visualizing stuff, they're actually seeing the pictures in their mind, when I'm visualizing stuff, I'm thinking about the concept of I'm not actually seeing anything. So when I create my vision board, I'm creating my vision board differently from someone who is actually more visually oriented. So I'm having more words on my vision board, I'm having things that evoke certain concepts in me, and may not necessarily be direct pictures of exactly what I want. Whereas if you are a more visual learner, that's going to look different. Or if you're a more auditory learner, these are all things you need to take into consideration when you're creating your vision board as well, and ensuring that the main focus of your vision board is you and not just where you think you should be at.
Katelyn:
So for me, I'm very kinesthetic, I need it all. What I've really found to be helpful for me, whenever I'm in a, just, you know, high manifestation phase is creating something visual, like a board, listening to things that really get me into that, like that forward thinking motion, and just that grounding as well, too. So for me, it's like a combination of aligned books or podcasts that are really centered around that. And then meditations that go into that quiet time, play, you know, working kind of like you're saying, balancing that masculine and feminine, feminine energy and then really looking at things visually speaking. So like actually seeking out images that match up what I am creating, is that for somebody who is kinesthetic, would you add in or take away anything? What's your opinion?
Efia:
Yeah, that's really beautiful. And I would say something else is like, you know, you can even incorporate smells into your vision board as well. So maybe you have a certain candle that you're lighting during the process of creating your vision board, and then you only light that candle when you're doing certain manifestation practices that are related to that. And then your mind is associating that smile with manifesting your dreams as well. Or whether that's intense that you're burning. Yeah, there's loads of different things that we can tie in to make it more and more immersive experience and love that.
Katelyn:
One thing that you said at the beginning that really stood out to me that I want to come back to is when you were seven years old, and having that moment of hearing that voice in your head of saying Who am I and acknowledging that that was something to pay attention to and what you know now about the work that you do how that was something kind of that goes along with this work of manifestation and all these things. So how does that voice show up for you now? What do you know about it?
Efia:
I think that was just up for me now in that I think when I began my manifestation journey, I was very direct in the like high vibes only positive thoughts only if you have a negative thought crap out. And now I'm definitely more of the embracing duality. So if I have a negative thought, or if I have worried thoughts or anything like that, rather than getting rid of them, I'm taking time to question what that part of me needs. And I'm connecting more with my inner child, I'm connecting on a really deep level with my subconscious mind, because we're not just manifesting on a conscious level, but actually, the majority of our manifestation processes is at a subconscious level. So if you do have that subconscious voice coming up, it's worth looking at and determining, you know, we don't have to go into so much like, why are things the way that they are? Because then we can get stuck on ruminating? But like, what do I need to do in order to feel safe in my body? Or what do I need to do in order to feel safe in this thing that I'm manifesting?
Katelyn:
I love that. Yeah, what are some things that come up for you, whenever moments like that, show up things that make you feel safe and in your body, when you do have that more negative voice?
Efia:
Definitely, meditation is a non negotiable for me. And it has been for the past three years, I would say now, definitely, especially as someone who also has experiences anxiety, meditation helps me start my day and kind of detract from the so many thoughts that I have going on. And not necessarily saying I'm waking up, and I'm having a ton of negative thoughts. I'm just having a ton of thoughts, period. So meditation really helps me slow down my thought process, it helps me feel really connected to my body to my mind. And it's a jumping off point from where everything else just feels. There's so much more clarity around everything else I'm doing. Also EFT tapping, I really love as a tool that's tapping on the acupressure points in your body, I actually also go for acupuncture in person, which is something that I do, I'm very in tune with, with what my body needs from me. So whether that is going to the gym, getting acupuncture or going to the chiro or it's those more internal practices like meditation, tapping, journaling, I think the combination of those two things and also like, luxuriate in yourself and treating yourself like the queen that you are, is is the way that I live my life. I love that.
Katelyn:
And that really goes to show the type of relationship that you're in with yourself, which is how I really define body image. It's our relationship with ourselves and our whole beings spiritually, emotionally, physically, mentally, all of the things and got it I mean, it just sounds like you're in this really nourishing, grounding. Just fun relationship with you as a person, which is so beautiful. And so, so amazing after hearing your story and what you've, what you've gone through and your chapters and where you are today and where you're going. It really is, it is so cool to celebrate that for you. And so inspiring to I am curious about your opinion, on faking it till you make it. I noticed that Efia and I were sending some emails before this podcast, and she has all of these incredible bullet points that she sent it over and I'm just like, oh my god, where do I even want to know about all of these things. And so these are just some things that stood out to me. And so I am curious, faking it till you make it? Why is it terrible advice? What should we do instead?
Efia:
So I honestly used to think that faking it till you make it was really good advice. And to be honest, it did serve me up until a point. But what I later realize is that if you are saying to yourself that you're faking it till you make it, you're continually affirming to yourself that you're an imposter, which is the very thing that you're trying to overcome. So rather than faking it till you make it, I encourage my clients to embody it. Rather than saying, like, you know, one day I'm gonna get to that place. Okay, let's just start acting from that place. Now, let's step into that vision. Now, let's be that person. Now, obviously, there's certain situations, like, if you want to be a doctor, I'm not just saying like, you know, just practice on people. Now you're there. Now, that's not realistic advice. But in terms of your goals, and your manifestations and things you're working towards, like, if you're like, oh, like, when I had this, or when I get that dream relationship, I would be doing this differently. Or we would be doing all of these really nice things together. Like, why do you have to wait for someone to treat you that way? Why didn't you begin treating yourself that way? Or when I reach a certain level of success, I'm going to allow myself to treat myself more. Why do you have to reach some arbitrary market to treat yourself the way you want to treat yourself now? And even a few months ago, actually, I had this experience where I was journaling about something I was like, and then when this is done, and when this is done that I can take a break I can relax a bit like I can chill out there like Why am I waiting? Like we, you know, we spend the majority of our lives in these waiting periods between our manifestations And then rather than making that waiting room like this First Class lounge, we're just like, bumming around in there. And I just don't think that's the Bible.
Katelyn:
I love that so good. What can we do? What permission can we give ourselves to just step into it right now or move closer toward to it right now rather than just waiting? I love that so much. And that really resonates with me. I'm curious for, for anybody who is in this conversation with us thinking God, like I just want to manifest a, I want to feel good about my body, I want to feel just comfortable in my skin and my body, how do I manifest this great relationship with my body image? What advice would you offer people around that?
Efia:
I would, again, get clear on your values and why that's important to you. So for me, one of my biggest values is connection. And that's both external connections with other people and also internal connections with myself. So understanding why this is so important to you and why your relationship with your body is so important to you. And also, if you're someone right now, and you do have like a pretty negative view of your body, it's probably unrealistic for you to go from I hate my body to I love my body. And if you are feeling that way, now, like, Oh, I'm so behind, because I can't quite buy into the like, I love myself or wherever I'm at stage, you don't need to jump from A to Z, you can just move from A to B, B to C, and then maybe you're gonna get from a point where it's gonna be like, Oh, I'm gonna go C to F, F to know the letters that come next. But you know, the jumps are gonna get bigger as time goes on. So what small ways can you begin to appreciate yourself is there like, one thing that you can notice about your body or one thing you can begin to build a better relationship from, and then we can move from there, rather than feeling like you need to do everything at once. Because it's going to feel so much more supportive for you to begin changing the small things, and to begin connecting with yourself in the little ways. But that is actually what's going to build momentum. For some people. Yeah, so like I'm quantum leaping into, I love myself. But it really depends on where you're at in your journey and all of the things that have led you up until this point, because I don't know what your previous experiences your life experiences are, that have led you to feeling the way that you feel now, but also just know inside of this, that your emotions are valid, but your past experiences don't have to define what your story is moving forward.
Katelyn:
I love that so much. And a lot of this is resonating as expectation setting from how I'm hearing you describe it. So I thought that was a great example of going from I hate my body to I love my body. What's instead of having that expectation of loving your body next, what is just the next baby step that you can take forward from I hate my body. So great. Efia Tell me a little bit about some of the misconceptions with manifestation and what you would want people to know around some of those misconceptions that come up from time to time?
Efia:
What are the biggest misconceptions is definitely about being high vibe in order to manifest and thinking that you can only manifest your desires when you are up in inverted commas. And when you're happy when your joy is when you're feeling good, and that you can only manifest in that state. I think there's nothing wrong with wanting to be in a very low comments high vibe. And to be honest, I don't love to use the terms high vibe and low vibe. I think everything is on a spectrum. And we have to be mindful of placing these judgment systems on yourself because the universe isn't looking at you and thinking like oh Katelyn’s low vibe today. She doesn't deserve her manifestation. These are arbitrary markers that we're placing on ourselves and judging ourselves. So know that the universe isn't judging you for how you're feeling the only person who's judging you is you. And when you can understand and acknowledge that then you can begin to view yourself from a more compassionate light. So I believe that manifestation is a dualistic experience of justice, we have the Law of Attraction, we also have the law of polarity which states that every opposite on every positive has a negative that's the way that animals plants work. That's the way that we work as well. So you're not going to go through your life without having negative thoughts or negative experiences or challenges, doubts, fears. And instead of trying to avoid these What if we build a better relationship to allowing them when they come up and not thinking so negatively about ourselves when we do have these thoughts and feelings? Because the negative thought alone is not what derails you, what actually derails you is the guilt and shame that you feel for having a negative thought and feeling like you're not good enough. It's so good. My job moment. Yes. You know, the aim of manifestation the aim of life is not to it's not to be good enough or playable enough for anyone else. It's about connecting to your extraordinary vision and to live from what is extremely for you, and that is radical responsibility, self compassion, and having that level of self awareness to totally
Katelyn:
Oh my god, I love, love this love everything that you're saying, tell us about radical responsibility for anybody who's unfamiliar or probably are familiar, but maybe not associating it with that term. How do we identify it in our lives and start leaning into it more?
Efia:
So to me radical responsibility looks at taking ownership for the direction of your life. And that's not to say that you may not have had some experiences in your past, or some things happen to you that, you know, were were not your fault. But taking responsibility isn't about like, oh, all of the things that happened in my past, were my fault. It's not about placing blame. But it's actually about re attributing that power. Because so long as we're like blaming everything outside of us for our current situation, then that also means the power to change a situation lives outside of us as well. And so for me, it's very important when working with my clients that I'm helping them to create internal permission slips for the lives they want to live, because so long as you're seeking those external permission slips, the goalposts are always going to be moving, you're never going to reach that point. Whereas when we're providing ourselves with those internal permission slips, it's like, you don't even need a sign from the universe to indicate whether you're following the right path or you're on the right journey, because you intrinsically know. And that intrinsic knowing and that innate Magic is something that only you can access and can never be taken away from you.
Katelyn:
I love that. And it's interesting, because in terms of social conditioning, I think that so many of us are taught to look for external validation and external permission, and boxes to check, and rules to follow and all of these things. And I think a lot of it is just identifying where that showing up and burning it all down. Truly, like getting back to that place exactly like you're saying, of giving yourself unconditional permission to trust yourself, and practicing that. And really getting back to that, that place of responsibility, like you're talking about, it's, it's so amazing. And one of the things that you just mentioned, too, that I'm curious about is the mic drop moment, of course, the guilt and shame kind of blocking you for moving forward. So let's just say that somebody is being very human, and in that block where they're experiencing a lot of guilt and shame, what tools can you offer for somebody to move past that more quickly?
Efia:
Yeah, that's a really great question. I think, when it comes to guilt and shame, a lot of it can be related to our inner child and our past experiences as well. But we feel guilt and shame based on how we think others are going to perceive us for the emotions that we feel. So again, that's acknowledging that your emotions are valid, that you are valid. And when it comes to moving through guilt and shame, it's like, ask like, what do these emotions need for me? Like, what is this feeling need for me? What do I need to to feel safe? Or to move past this guilt and shame? What messages do I need to hear and trusting yourself to to have those answers and something that I really impressed the importance of is building that relationship with your subconscious mind? Because, you know, I personally believe that we're never going to be at a point where we completely free from limiting beliefs and have no limiting beliefs ever have no fears have no doubts. But what we can do is we shift the relationship to them. So when I have my limiting beliefs come up, I'm aware now of what this is, this isn't just something that's lurking in the shadows. I'm like, Oh, I know that this is x because of this. And what's a way that I can actually give myself this feeling in a more positive and healthy way rather than beating myself up. And I believe that self sabotage is truly misguided self love. So where can we feed into loving ourselves a bit more gently to holding ourselves a little more tightly, and to listening a bit more intently?
Katelyn:
I love that, quote, self sabotage is misguided self love. Say more about that. I love some of the suggestions that you just gave around that but why do you think that it's misguided self love? What's what's getting in the way or what's kind of shifting that direction for us?
Efia:
So when we set out to manifest something on a conscious level, we can be like, yep, up top, this is what I want. This is what I'm gonna go after. And then you may notice that as time goes on that you're not actually moving closer to it or you're doing things that are actually repelling you. So like for example, you're like, Oh, you're gonna message this person today. And you don't matter that person you procrastinate. You do everything else set messaging them and you have an awareness that you're sabotaging yourself and the typical reaction is like beating yourself up. I feel so bad. Why would I do this? I want this but if we actually look at why you're sabotaging it is because your subconscious mind Mind is designed to keep you safe to keep you alive. The way your subconscious mind keeps you alive is by running through strategies day in and day out. And from a logical perspective, it's a lot easier for your subconscious mind to continue carrying out strategies. Hold on, and it's doing some work. from a logical perspective is a lot easier for your subconscious mind to continue running the same strategies that you've already been running day in day out, because your subconscious mind knows that these work, but happens when you bring in a new manifestation and new goal something that is in a very common scary this is bringing presenting a new strategy to your subconscious mind and also opportunities for failures, opportunities for something to go wrong. And ultimately, something that is going to be unsafe for you. And your subconscious mind literally views this as this is life threatening this his could ruin our very existence. So when your subconscious mind is encouraging you to sabotage these goals and dreams that you're going after it isn't because you don't deserve this or you're not worthy of this, but it's because your subconscious mind deems that something bad could potentially happen. So what we have to do is we have to analyze Okay, well, how can I factor in this internal sense of safety to what I'm doing so that my subconscious mind doesn't feel the need to sabotage? How can I regulate my nervous system so that I'm going into these things? And instead of primarily, it being fear is excitement, maybe tinged with a little bit of fear? How does my subconscious mind know that if we go through this and we fail, we're going to be okay, anyway, how does my subconscious mind know if we go through this and we succeed, that we're going to be okay, anyway. And it's about building that relationship with yourself so that you can understand on a deeper level, and you're going to have certain situations where you are going to feel more fear than others. So for me, you know, growing up without parents, one of my biggest things is like, potential abandonment, so things that could see me being ostracized or things where I have the chance to fall flat on my face. So a few years ago, showing up on Instagram Live was something that I had a lot of resistance around. And I realized it was because I was afraid of people perceiving me in a certain way. And I knew that was because like, it's been, you know, ingrained in me that in order to, to be fostered, you have to be liked by people in order to be adopted, you have to be liked by people in order for someone to take me on after my mom passed away. They had to like me, and more than that I had to be good, because then there's, you know, when you're technically you're brought into someone else's family, there's always that small thing in the back of your head that says, well, that's not necessarily forever just to someone's invited you into their family, they can also uninvite you from their family. And so that has been like one of my core things. So anything where there is a potential for rejection, I know that there's also the potential for that misguided self love. So I have to make myself feel really safe inside of those things. So for me, I just had that kind of immersion by fire where I showed up on Instagram live every day until it wasn't scary for me anymore. That technique may not necessarily work for someone else that immersion way but gentle ways that you can feel more safe and asking your body and asking your mind what you actually need to feel safe because it's going to be different from person to person.
Katelyn:
Mm hmm. Yeah. And I think I hear you, I'm a big fan of immersion work and exposure therapy and all of those things. And I also agree, I don't think it's for everybody. But I also think that's a really great opportunity to go back to that question that you brought up before. Where's this coming from a place of showed versus a place of want and like the deeper desire around the actions that you're taking, and the intentions that you're setting and how they go back to your values, essentially, what you're teaching? So it all makes sense. It all flows together. Where does perfectionism meet manifestation? I know that there are many, many people raising their hand around being a recovering perfectionist, I am certainly one. What do we have to look out for when we're manifesting if we know that that is some of our some of our work as well?
Efia:
I think as also a recovering perfectionist, is that you can want something to go a certain way. And the universe may have another idea of how that's gonna go entirely. And one of these examples for me was when I was flat hunting a few years ago, and I assigned I had a list of the things I wanted going back to the list again called back and I knew what I wanted in place and I found somewhere God's basically it was just like signing all the forms and stuff and at the last minute it fell through and I truly thought this was where I wanted, but it wasn't exactly matching up with my list. I And then I found somewhere and it was like the most beautiful place I had like everything on my list that I wanted minus windows. On my bedroom, there were no outside windows. But like everything else like the gym, the outdoor spaces were just perfect. So I ended up moving into this apartment. And to be honest, the lack of natural light did kind of impact me because I love waking up to natural light, I don't use an alarm clock, I just wake up when my body tells me that's where I need to wake up. When you don't have any natural light that's a little bit more challenging. And so what actually happened was my other flatmate that was living with me, ended up moving out. And he owned all of the furniture in the apartment. So I had to complete it even including like my bed in my room was his. So I had to completely refurbish the apartment. And at that time that felt so devastating and having to go through finding a new flatmate. That actually meant that I moved into the room with a natural light, which is what I've always wanted. So I, you know, in my head, I'm going to find my perfect apartment, I'm going to move into my perfect apartment where I'm going to live from my perfect housemate forever. But in order to actually have what I truly desired, it had to be kind of ripped apart a little. So releasing perfectionist tendencies is actually allowing the universe to provide you with more opportunities. And actually be able to follow those opportunities and be open to things looking a little bit differently. But getting the result that ultimately is the result that you desire, all about
Katelyn:
love, love that perspective. And that example that you just shared. How does this also tie into taking inspired action, this is one of my favorite tools in my toolkit, something I love talking about. And I'm super curious about your thoughts on just inspired action and when to know when to take it and all of the things.
Efia:
The thing was inspired action is a really ties into that masculine and feminine energy. And knowing what your balance looks like. So when I say balancing masculine and feminine energy, I don't mean you need to be 50% in your masculine and 50% in your feminine, but you actually need to work out like what style works best for you. So I previously used to think that masculine energy was the only way to run your business if you wanted to be successful. And that very quickly led me to burn out and a lack of sleep. And what I realized is I am actually a much more feminine approach to business. Also, because of the way my body works. And my energy work stress due to having a chronic illness is that I don't have the energy to in fact, you know what, I do have the energy to work an eight hour a day, I just choose not to because I would rather spend that time on relaxing and looking at my body and doing things that are going to light me up. So it's not necessarily that I don't have eight hours in a day. But I would rather use like my most productive four hours to focus on my business and then use those other four hours to focus on play or to focus on wider things. And so when it comes to taking inspired action, you have to look at like what does being inspired feel like for you. So I have a friend who's very much in her masculine, she can do meetings until 8pm In the evening, and like at 8pm at night is when she feels most alive when her her best work comes out. For me, it's the opposite, which is why we're doing a podcast in the morning because I love doing stuff in the morning, that's when I'm most alive. And that's when I'm most in tune with my energy. So taking inspired action looks like actually having an awareness of how you work best. And also trusting your intuition. So if you're guided to do something, and this is like not in the plan that you've laid out for how things are supposed to work. So for me at that flat situation, it would have been easier for me to move out somewhere that was already furnished just go there, I could have found a place that had windows, you know, it's not like that was the only place I had windows in the bedroom. But I loved this space. So I chose I was inspired to take the action of I'm going to stay here going to find the furniture going to find the flatmate and I actually did end up finding a flatmate who had like half of the furniture, so that wasn't as much hassle for me. So sometimes these intuitive nudges that you're gonna get are not going to make sense. So not going to fit in with the way that you thought things were supposed to pan out. But you have to trust yourself more than you trust. You trust that an arbitrary plan or an arbitrary marker of what success is supposed to look like you're supposed to feel like and trust your inner knowing over everything.
Katelyn:
Yeah, I love breaking up with the rules like we're talking about. And it's funny that you are. It's interesting that you're tying in the masculine and the feminine feminine energy to inspired action because I'm totally with you. I think that Well, I know for myself, I used to think that inspired action was just doing and what I really learned and it sounds like we're on the same page around this is it's just the being and for me, it's like okay, I feel inspired to rest which feels kind of weird because I'm so used to doing but sometimes that action is not doing and then other times it is just those really kind of seemingly random intuitive hits around, oh, I, I want to call this person or I want to send this email or I want to cook this dish or you know, but from that place of self trust is are we on the same page there?
Efia:
Yes, absolutely. And yeah, like you said, obviously there is actual strategic action involved in manifestation. We can't just like spend all our time meditating and doing the spiritual practices, we have to also tie in the strategy piece as well.
Katelyn:
Yeah, I think that's something I got wrong for a long time. Or was confused about for a long time? And I I mean, do you see that a lot in, in your world around manifestation, just kind of the confusion around when to take action and when to just beyond the lotus flower meditate?
Efia:
Um, I think you know, going back to your earlier manifestation myths, when people say, like, manifest, but also take action. It's like, no action is part of manifestation, we need to stop differentiating the two.
Katelyn:
I love that. Yeah, it is. It's I mean, it all goes together. And I, it's interesting, this theme, and maybe it's because I'm biased and my work that I'm doing. But it's so interesting how the theme of self trust is just really popping up in all of these little chapters of our conversation so far, and just being in that in that relationship with ourselves, and that sovereignty. And so, it's amazing to see what can happen when that is a part of the intention as well to as you are, you know, living proof of so very cool. I could talk to you for many, many more hours, but I want to be mindful of our time and everybody else is listening. So we'll have to have you back on, because this is really, really fun. And I know people want to hear more, but until then, where can everybody get into your world, connect with you, work with you? All of the things.
Efia:
So you can find my podcast, The Manifest Edit Podcast, you can find me on social media on Tiktok and Instagram, and also, if you have loved this episode, like my DMs are always open or if there's a question you've had about anything we've discussed, and I also have a free Power of Subconscious Manifestation Training, we're just gonna go deeper into that relationship between your conscious and subconscious mind and why working with both is so important for manifestation. And I'm sure the link to that will be in the show notes.
Katelyn:
Yeah, we'll link everything in the show notes to keep it easy for everybody. But thank you so much, Efia, for your truth and just really showing up and being so generous with all of the information and value that you gave to our community. I really appreciate you.
Efia:
Thank you so much, and it's been so great to be here.
